When Did You Become Another Thing to Manage?
Inside Nat's Notebook - Real Reflections for Real Change
Have you ever reached the end of a ridiculously busy day, finally sat down with a cup of tea, and then had your watch inform you that you've had a stressful day? Well, thank goodness for that. You'd never have known otherwise! 😂
Apparently, we're now living in a world where even our ability to relax can be measured, monitored and graded. Your watch can tell you how well you've slept, your phone can tell you how much time you've wasted looking at it, and somewhere there's probably an app waiting to inform you that you're not drinking enough water.
And don't get me started on the sleep scores! I have had people tell me they wake up feeling rather lovely, having enjoyed what they thought was a decent night's sleep, only to discover that their watch has awarded them poor sleep. The interesting bit, sometimes they choose the watch over their own feelings. I mean, your watch told you so, so it must be right, right!
It's funny, isn't it? We've become so extraordinarily good at gathering information about ourselves that sometimes we forget to actually experience being ourselves.
And here's something rather fascinating. We have access to more information about our bodies than ever before, yet sometimes that information can make us question what we're actually feeling. You wake up refreshed, but your watch disagrees. You feel perfectly content sitting in the garden, but your phone reminds you that you haven't completed your daily activity goal. Suddenly, instead of enjoying the moment, you're wondering whether you ought to be doing something else.
When did we start giving a little screen more authority over our experience than the person actually living it?
When Did Wellbeing Become Another Job?
Now, I'm not suggesting that tracking your sleep, counting your steps or learning about your health is a bad thing, far from it! Understanding what helps us feel better is wonderful, and there are some genuinely useful tools available to us. But have you noticed how easily looking after yourself can become another thing on the never-ending list of things you ought to be doing?
Get your steps in. Drink more water. Eat more protein. Get enough fibre. Practise mindfulness. Exercise regularly. Reduce your screen time. Improve your sleep. Keep a gratitude journal. Develop a morning routine. Establish an evening routine. Make time for yourself. And somewhere amongst all of that, you're also supposed to have a job, maintain a home, remember everyone's birthdays, keep the family functioning and occasionally actually enjoy being alive.
Goodness. Is it any wonder we're exhausted? The irony is rather delicious when you think about it. We've managed to turn the pursuit of feeling better into something that can make us feel worse. And because we're capable people, what do we do? We try harder. We download another app, buy another book, set another goal or decide that Monday will be the day we finally get ourselves sorted. As if we were somehow a problem waiting to be solved.
The Trouble With Always Trying to Improve Yourself
There's a rather important difference between wanting to feel better and believing that you should always be better. One comes from caring for yourself. The other can quietly become a judgement about who you are right now. And that distinction matters.
Think about the way you speak to yourself when something doesn't go according to plan. Perhaps you intended to get up early and go for a walk, but you slept through your alarm because you were absolutely shattered. Do you think, Oh, I must have needed that sleep? Or does your mind immediately launch into a little performance review? Well, that's a brilliant start. You said you were going to get organised this week. You've already missed your walk, and it's only Tuesday.
Honestly, some of us have an internal manager who could do with being sent on a very long holiday. The fascinating thing is that we can become so accustomed to this constant evaluation that we barely notice we're doing it. We don't simply experience tiredness. We judge ourselves for being tired. We don't simply notice that we're stressed. We become frustrated that we haven't managed to calm ourselves down.
And when we can't sleep, we start worrying about how badly we're sleeping, how dreadful we'll feel tomorrow and whether we're doing something wrong. Before you know it, you're lying in bed trying desperately to achieve unconsciousness. Which, when you think about it, is a rather peculiar thing to try to achieve through effort!
Your Nervous System Isn't Interested in Your Performance Review
Here's where things become particularly interesting. Your nervous system is constantly gathering information about what's happening both inside you and around you. It's involved in regulating everything from your heart rate and digestion to your responses to stress, rest and sleep. And much of this happens without you having to think about it at all yep, I bet you weren't monitoring it much, if at all!
Thank goodness, because your heart doesn't need reminding to beat. Your lungs don't require a motivational speech. Your digestive system doesn't need you standing over it with a clipboard asking whether it's met its targets for the day.
But here's the fascinating part. Your brain doesn't simply receive information about what's happening in your body. It also interprets that information, drawing on your expectations, previous experiences and what you're paying attention to.
And that means the way we pay attention to ourselves can influence how we experience what we're feeling.
Take something as ordinary as noticing your heartbeat. You might become aware of it while sitting quietly, feel the gentle rhythm in your chest and think nothing more of it. But if you start checking whether it's beating too quickly, wondering why you can feel it and worrying about what that might mean, the very same sensation can suddenly become a source of concern.
The sensation hasn't necessarily changed. Your relationship with it has.
And this is where there's an important difference between being aware of how you feel and constantly checking whether you're feeling the way you think you should.
Awareness can help us understand ourselves. We notice we're tired, tense, comfortable, hungry or relaxed, and that information helps us respond to what we need. But when noticing becomes monitoring, and monitoring becomes judging, we can add another layer of pressure to an experience that was already happening.
Think about sleep. Sleep isn't something we can simply command our bodies to do. We can create conditions that support it, but the process itself isn't an achievement we can force. And yet how many of us have lain awake thinking, I need to sleep. I really need to sleep. I've only got five hours left now. Why am I still awake?
Now you're checking the clock, calculating how exhausted you'll be tomorrow and wondering whether you should try that breathing technique you read about last week. Meanwhile, all that worrying and problem-solving can increase your alertness, which isn't particularly helpful when you're trying to drift off.
There's a lovely paradox here. Sometimes the harder we try to make ourselves feel a particular way, the further away that feeling seems to move. Not because we're doing something wrong, but because we've turned an experience into something we believe we must achieve.
And perhaps that's because we've forgotten something rather important. You are not a project to complete. You're a human being to get to know.
What If You Became Curious Instead?
Imagine approaching yourself with the same curiosity you might bring to getting to know somebody you really like. Rather than immediately deciding what needs improving, you might begin by noticing what's actually happening.
Perhaps you're tired today. Interesting. What might your body be telling you? Perhaps you're feeling irritable. Has it been a particularly demanding week? Have you had any time to yourself? Is there something you've been carrying around that needs your attention? Perhaps you slept beautifully last night. Wonderful! What was different? Or perhaps nothing was different at all, and your body simply did what bodies sometimes do.
You don't have to turn every observation into an action plan. Imagine finally learning to listen to yourself and then immediately producing a spreadsheet of everything you've discovered. Although, knowing some of us, I wouldn't rule it out, right? You know who you are!
Sometimes noticing is enough. Instead of asking, What do I need to fix about myself today? We might begin asking, What would help me feel better today?
They're very different questions. One assumes there's something wrong with you. The other invites you into a conversation with yourself.
And the more familiar you become with your own experiences, the more you begin to recognise what genuinely supports you. You start to notice when you're doing something because it feels good and when you're doing it because you think you should. You begin to recognise the difference between a helpful habit and another obligation, and perhaps discover that caring for yourself doesn't have to involve constantly assessing how well you're doing.
A Little Less Managing, A Little More Living
This is something I care deeply about at Little Soul Shack. We're surrounded by information about what we should do to improve our wellbeing. But information alone doesn't necessarily change how we experience our lives.
You can know that relaxation is good for you and still find yourself unable to switch off. You can understand the importance of sleep and still spend half the night wide awake. You can read every book on self-compassion and still give yourself an almighty telling off for having an unproductive afternoon.
There's a difference between knowing something intellectually and discovering what it feels like in your own body and your own life. And I think we've become so busy learning what we're supposed to do that we've forgotten how to listen to ourselves.
Imagine having somewhere you could begin to understand yourself without feeling you have to improve yourself. Somewhere you can discover how to calm your mind, get stress out of your system and switch off and sleep properly, without turning any of it into another test of how well you're doing. That's what I'd love you to experience inside the Little Soul Shack Membership. Come and have a look, because surely looking after yourself should feel like something you're doing for yourself, rather than another thing you're demanding of yourself?
Because the aim isn't to become the world's most accomplished relaxer. It's to develop a little more understanding, a little more trust and a little more kindness towards the person you're spending your entire life with. You.
And wouldn't that be a rather lovely relationship to develop?
This week, I have a little invitation for you. Notice one thing you routinely measure or judge about yourself. Perhaps it's your sleep score, the number of steps you've taken, how productive you've been or whether you've managed to fit in all the things you promised yourself you'd do.
The next time you catch yourself checking, ask one simple question: Is this information helping me understand and care for myself, or has it become another way of marking my own homework?
You don't have to stop tracking anything. You don't have to change your routine. You certainly don't need to add another task to your list! Just notice, and perhaps, for one small moment, allow yourself to experience how you actually feel before somebody, or something, tells you how you ought to feel.
Because you're allowed to enjoy a lovely night's sleep even if your watch disagrees.
LoveLove
Nat x
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