What Are You Apologising For?
Inside Nat's Notebook - Real Reflections for Real Change
Have you ever found yourself apologising to somebody who has just bumped into you? You're walking through a shop, somebody steps backwards without looking, almost knocks you flying, and before you've even worked out what's happened, out comes a cheerful little "Oh, sorry!" From you! The person who was simply minding their own business!
Or perhaps you've caught yourself saying, "Sorry, can I just ask you something?" before asking a perfectly reasonable question. "Sorry to bother you," when you're contacting somebody whose actual job involves helping you. And then there's the classic, "Sorry, I'm probably being silly, but..." before sharing an idea that might turn out to be rather brilliant.
It's fascinating, isn't it? How often we apologise for things that don't actually require an apology. We apologise for asking questions, needing help, taking up time, changing our minds and occasionally for simply existing in somebody else's space.
Now, I'm not suggesting we should stop apologising altogether. Goodness knows, there are plenty of occasions when a sincere apology is exactly what's needed. If you've hurt somebody, made a mistake or accidentally reversed your shopping trolley into their ankles, a heartfelt sorry is a rather lovely thing.
But I wonder how often we say sorry when what we really mean is something quite different. Perhaps we're asking, Is it alright for me to need something? Am I being difficult? Have I upset you? Is it okay if I don't do what you want me to do?
And that, I think, is where things become rather interesting.
When Did Being Considerate Become Making Yourself Smaller?
Most of us like to think of ourselves as considerate people. We care about how others feel, we try not to cause unnecessary upset, and we generally want the people around us to be happy. There's something rather beautiful about that. Kindness matters, and the world could certainly do with more of it.
But have you ever noticed how easily being considerate can turn into making yourself responsible for everybody else's comfort?
Perhaps a friend asks you to do something when you're already exhausted. You've had a demanding week, you're looking forward to an evening doing absolutely nothing, and the thought of going out feels about as appealing as cleaning the oven. Yet instead of simply saying that you're going to stay home, you find yourself apologising, explaining, justifying and perhaps even inventing a reason that sounds more acceptable than the truth.
"I'm so sorry, I would love to, but I've got so much on at the moment. I feel terrible letting you down. Perhaps we could do something next week?"
And before you know it, you've agreed to something next week that you haven't even decided you want to do!
Sound familiar?
Of course, there's nothing wrong with caring about somebody's disappointment. Relationships involve consideration, compromise, and occasionally doing things we'd rather not do because they matter to somebody we love.
But there's a difference between choosing to accommodate another person and automatically assuming that your own needs should come second. And when that becomes a habit, we can spend an extraordinary amount of energy trying to ensure that nobody is ever inconvenienced by us.
We become very good at being easy to deal with. The person who doesn't make a fuss, who understands when plans change, who says "Don't worry about it" even when something really does matter to them. And because we're capable, we manage it beautifully. Or at least, that's how it looks from the outside.
The Curious Business of Belonging
Here's something rather fascinating about being human. We are social creatures, and our relationships with other people are deeply connected to how we experience the world.
Our brains are constantly interpreting social information. Facial expressions, tone of voice, body language and even the smallest changes in somebody's behaviour can influence how we feel and respond.
Think about the last time you sent somebody a message and their reply seemed unusually short. Perhaps they normally send you a lovely chatty response, but this time all you received was "OK."
Just one word. Perfectly innocent, perhaps. Yet suddenly your mind is off on its own little adventure. Have I upset them? Did I say something wrong? Are they annoyed with me?
Meanwhile, the other person may simply be standing in the supermarket trying to remember whether they've got any milk!
Our brains don't always know the full story, so they draw on previous experiences, expectations and familiar patterns to help make sense of what's happening. And because belonging and connection matter to us, we can become particularly sensitive to anything that might suggest disapproval, rejection or conflict.
For some people, apologising becomes one of the ways they manage that uncertainty. A little sorry can soften a request, reduce the possibility of disagreement or reassure somebody that we don't intend to cause trouble. And if we've spent years being praised for being helpful, accommodating, independent or easy to get along with, those habits can become so familiar that we barely notice them.
We may not consciously think, I need everybody to approve of me. We might simply find ourselves saying yes when we mean no, laughing along when something doesn't feel funny, or apologising for having an opinion that's different from everybody else's. And the interesting thing is that these responses can become automatic. We don't necessarily sit down and decide to put everybody else's comfort ahead of our own. We simply learn ways of relating to people, repeat them often enough, and eventually they become part of how we move through the world.
Which raises a rather important question.
How much of what you do to keep other people comfortable is something you've consciously chosen, and how much has simply become a habit?
The Weight of Being Easy to Deal With
There's something about being the capable one, isn't there? The person who can cope, who understands, who doesn't want to cause unnecessary problems.
At work, perhaps you're the one who agrees to squeeze in another task because you know everybody is busy. At home, you're the one who changes your plans because somebody else needs something. Amongst friends, you're the one who says, "Oh, I really don't mind," even when you actually have quite a strong preference.
And sometimes you genuinely don't mind. Wonderful! Being flexible is a lovely quality. But what happens when you do mind?
What happens when you want something different, when you're tired of accommodating everybody else, or when you simply don't have the energy to be the person who makes everything easier?
For some of us, that can feel surprisingly uncomfortable. You might notice yourself becoming anxious about saying no, feeling guilty for disappointing somebody or rehearsing an entire conversation in your head before asking for something perfectly reasonable.
And perhaps you've experienced that peculiar moment when you've finally said no to something, only to spend the next three hours wondering whether you should send another message to explain yourself.
Honestly, we can be extraordinary creatures. We manage to say no and then immediately start negotiating with ourselves about whether we're allowed to have said it!
But beneath the humour, there's something worth noticing.
When we repeatedly put our own needs, preferences and feelings to one side, we can gradually lose touch with what we actually want. We become so accustomed to checking whether everybody else is happy that we forget to ask ourselves the same question.
And that's quite a weight to carry, particularly when nobody else can see it.
What Happens When You Stop and Notice?
Now, before you start mentally reviewing every apology you've made since 1987, there's something important I want to say.
This isn't about deciding that you've been doing something wrong. And it certainly isn't about turning yourself into another project that needs fixing. We explored that rather thoroughly last week! (Catch up HERE)
It's about getting to know yourself. Because the way we speak, the things we agree to, the moments we hesitate and the situations that make us uncomfortable can tell us something about how we've learned to relate to ourselves and other people.
Imagine somebody asks you for a favour and your immediate response is, "Of course, no problem!"
But as the words leave your mouth, you notice something. Perhaps your shoulders tighten, your stomach feels a little uncomfortable, or there's a quiet thought somewhere in the background saying, Oh, I really didn't want to do that.
Interesting.
There's nothing you need to judge or immediately change. But what if you became curious about that moment?
What made you say yes so quickly? Were you genuinely happy to help, or did the possibility of disappointing somebody feel more uncomfortable than agreeing to something you didn't want to do?
And what might happen if, next time, you allowed yourself a moment before answering?
Not to become less kind or less generous, but to give yourself the opportunity to be part of the decision.
Because here's the thing. You can care deeply about other people without making yourself responsible for keeping everybody happy.
You can be thoughtful and still have preferences. You can be generous and still have limits. You can disagree with somebody and still love them enormously.
And you can say no without it meaning that you're selfish, difficult or uncaring.
Sometimes the most compassionate thing we can do is begin including ourselves in the kindness we so readily offer everybody else.
Learning to Be Your Own Best Friend
I often talk about the importance of developing a relationship with yourself that's actually worth having. Not because there's something wrong with who you are, but because the relationship you have with yourself influences every other relationship in your life.
Think about how you respond when somebody you care about tells you they're exhausted and need an evening to themselves. You probably wouldn't demand a detailed explanation, question whether they're being unreasonable or insist that they apologise for needing some rest.
You might simply say, "Of course! Put your feet up, have a lovely evening and we'll catch up another time."
Yet when it's your turn, you may find yourself feeling guilty, making excuses or wondering whether you've let somebody down.
Isn't that interesting?
We can be wonderfully understanding towards the people we love while holding ourselves to a completely different set of expectations. And perhaps becoming your own best friend begins with recognising those moments. Learning to notice when you're being unnecessarily hard on yourself, when you're automatically putting yourself last, or when you're apologising for something that doesn't actually require an apology.
At Little Soul Shack, this is at the heart of what we explore together. Understanding how you respond to life, recognising the habits you've developed along the way and discovering that you have more choice in how you meet your experiences than you might have realised.
Because when you're constantly worrying about disappointing people, managing their reactions or trying to keep everybody happy, it can be remarkably difficult to switch off. Your mind keeps revisiting conversations, your body holds onto the tension, and even when you finally climb into bed, you may still be thinking about what you should have said or done differently.
Learning to understand yourself changes that relationship. You begin recognising what's happening rather than simply being swept along by it. You learn to respond to your own needs with kindness, and gradually discover that you don't have to carry every expectation that comes your way.
Inside the Little Soul Shack Membership, you'll find a place to explore that relationship with yourself while learning how to calm your mind, get stress out of your system and switch off and sleep properly. Come and have a look, because life feels rather different when you stop treating your own needs as an inconvenience.
And perhaps that's something worth remembering the next time you find yourself about to apologise.
You don't have to earn your place in the world by being endlessly accommodating. You don't have to agree with everybody, make everybody happy or explain every decision you make. You're one of the humans involved in your relationships too. Your feelings matter, your needs matter, and your voice deserves to be heard just as much as anybody else's.
And surely, that's something we can begin to recognise without apologising for it?
Here's a little invitation for you this week. The next time you catch yourself saying sorry, pause for a moment and ask yourself: What exactly am I apologising for?
You might be surprised by what you discover. And perhaps you'll find that sometimes, the only thing you need to do differently is stop apologising for being you.
LoveLove
Nat x
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